I'm not happy.
I haven't been for... what seems like too long.
I can't pinpoint why.. &
it's bothering me; feels as if I'm both
locked out of and locked in my mind at the same time.
On Escapeagain, I am left barefootOn Escape by xXdr0psXx
& bare boned
wishing I could dive into dreams,
make them my reality;
all the fragments of nonexistence,
streets I know by heart in towns
I've never seen, & snow
that glows under street lamps in the dark
- a place that feels alive, like
every atom of every telephone pole, rock,
or blade of grass has a palpable heartbeat
that breathes into the night
it seems so accessible as thought & form
but awareness cuts the tie as easily
as cutting spider webs
Continual Lack of SleepI am restless; centipedes parade under my skinContinual Lack of Sleep by xXdr0psXx
favoring shoulders & arms
as I favor each scalpel's weight
with uncertain fingertips and blades.
Removal is a necessity brought on
by anxious minds and the urge to run;
streets crumble behind each step I take
- the sound is somewhat soothing
like distant thunder over oceans.
The reality is menacing, the crashing avalanche sight
sends bolts of terror into my lungs
where it spreads spindley fingers
into every connecting fiber & bone
until legs weaken & tense all at once.
I can't see any path with certainty;
the tide rolls over every plan etched into the beach,
swallows whole every semblance of hope,
and leaves me washed up on hated shores
glaring at familiar stars & the knowledge that I am still
not even a step closer to home.
06.29.16My hair still smells like you06.29.16 by xXdr0psXx
& it makes my stomach do flips or
collapse in on itself
- it knows the simple memory
of you is not exactly enough,
that two months equals roughly eight weeks and that's
somewhere around 49 days and in the grand
scheme of things, it's not that long at all,
but when you're waiting by your bedside window
wishing & feeling stomach muscles
clamp shut like clams,
those few turn into more than they are
like fish trapping food with a tiny lure
inside a giant mouth
& I am the one stuck behind gnarly teeth all tangled
up upon and around themselves
;for I would know. I put them there myself
to keep the sharks at bay and the monsters
under the bed,
but even I falter & this time when I look outside
all I can see is shades of brown and a feeling
creeping up on me.
I am unable to discern it's intentions.
PlusThe storms have been chewing through pavement,Plus by xXdr0psXx
roadways give away and fall off maps
and I struggle to keep on solid ground.
Our plans change like the hallways in my dreams,
every sideways glance is cause for edits
and the home I thought I found was twisted-
five stories high, each stacked
on the far end of the one below.
Everything was beautifully stained wood
leading to rooms where reality can be stripped off
like clothes to reveal lovely fantasies,
and above; a home
made of wicker and squares of halls & stairs
leading to comforting mazes of rooms, but
if you're not here, I will not be for long.
And now she's here.I make my way through thunderstorms,And now she's here. by inmyroom
holding my chest to stop everything on the inside
from falling on the outside.
There is flapping, there is falling, there is my tiny heart
feeling these things which it should not.
I swallow hard and choke down
on the thought of us
on a blanket in a park
it's 6am and the sun is rising,
I see pictures now but
I cannot see your face anymore.
I touch your smile with my fingertips
to make sure it is really true.