i really like the imagery in this piece. i think it could be very much enhanced by punctuation. because the piece is loosely worded, tightening it could add both the nostalgic ambiguity that i think you're looking for and draw the reader closer to the strong imagery. here's one idea:

through the night i actually removed the comma here because it is unneeded, the linebreak serves as a pause)
we made our way outside of walls
to this morning-sky-washed snow; (the hyphens bring the adjective together - this is how i interpreted this phrase, but you can see how, especially if i interpreted it differently from the way you meant, some hyphenation or punctuation is necessary. the semicolon separates the two phrases that i think you want to remain as one sentence.

we smuggled flowers in our pockets,
the scent of plumeria still in your hair. (ending on a period closes the image, it doesn't close the thought or the spirit of the piece like a lot of writers might think )

--
< GunShyMartyr > PinkyMcCoversong: o hi asl plz
< PinkyMcCoversong > GunShyMartyr: ask again in a cockney accent
< GunShyMartyr > ELLO daaaahling, what's yah name then. giveus a kiss would ya love? yer eighteen roite?

thankyou very much for the long and thoughtful comment

i left out a lot of punctuation because i wanted it to come off as
loose and almost airy with only slight flow,
usually the hyphens and commas and periods do make things
seem tied together and adds ambiguity,
but a lack thereof creates the opposite;
what i was aiming for

removing the one comma would probably be a good idea;
i hadn't thought of it

thankyou again

--
^{Love is my favorite food.}

i really like the imagery in this piece. i think it could be very much enhanced by punctuation. because the piece is loosely worded, tightening it could add both the nostalgic ambiguity that i think you're looking for and draw the reader closer to the strong imagery. here's one idea:

through the night i actually removed the comma here because it is unneeded, the linebreak serves as a pause)
we made our way outside of walls
to this morning-sky-washed snow; (the hyphens bring the adjective together - this is how i interpreted this phrase, but you can see how, especially if i interpreted it differently from the way you meant, some hyphenation or punctuation is necessary. the semicolon separates the two phrases that i think you want to remain as one sentence.

we smuggled flowers in our pockets,
the scent of plumeria still in your hair. (ending on a period closes the image, it doesn't close the thought or the spirit of the piece like a lot of writers might think )

--
< GunShyMartyr > PinkyMcCoversong: o hi asl plz
< PinkyMcCoversong > GunShyMartyr: ask again in a cockney accent
< GunShyMartyr > ELLO daaaahling, what's yah name then. giveus a kiss would ya love? yer eighteen roite?

eeek sorry for the double post. ack, dA!

yeah the free-flowing thing i can relate to. but i think you'll find that you can retain that by using the right words and the right punctuation. i used to think the same way, but i had someone explain to me what i think is called the fallacy of imitative form. basically what this means is that when you imitate a feeling by manipulating the structure of your piece (i.e. no punctuation = open, free-flowing feeling) the imitative form can overshadow what you are trying to achieve. think of typographical poetry that might write the word falling like this:
f
a
l
l
i
n
g.

obviously, your imitative form is nowhere near as cumbersome as this, but it is the same idea. sorry if this comes off as elitist or something, i just wanted to share my feelings/argument. i think it's a great little piece

--
< GunShyMartyr > PinkyMcCoversong: o hi asl plz
< PinkyMcCoversong > GunShyMartyr: ask again in a cockney accent
< GunShyMartyr > ELLO daaaahling, what's yah name then. giveus a kiss would ya love? yer eighteen roite?

You are always brilliant.

More and more, as I happen to read one of your poems, I recognize something familiar. Sometimes, it's almost like I could have written it.

--
Principiante.

thank you

i think that in love,
and if we feel all the love we possibly can,
and another does the same,
the feelings we have are very similar,
if not the same
[and this does not pertain only to lovers,
like in this case]

thankyou again

--
^{Love is my favorite food.}

--
Principiante.

apart of a dream

I see
feel
white crinkled sheets
soft lips
open mouths

ready
to share
this
scent
taste
of white


mmm
very
calming
loving
shy
quiet
honest piece

hmm..
that's every thing i hoped to get across
and more

thankyou very much

--
^{Love is my favorite food.}